i like this story and i hope that you will write a continuation to it, but i wonder is english your first language? there were several times you used words that didn't quite make sense, they were easy to figure out, but it happened through the whole story. I'm not criticizing you or anything, anyone who can write a 36 page chapter and have it turn out this good should be comended, but i would suggest getting a second beta to read over your work, it never hurts to have a second set of eyes look over it. And with that i take my leave with the ardent wish that you will contine on with this lovely story...later!!
mimi (Chapter 1) - Mon 09 Mar 2009
| Oh that is by far the best one-shot I've read! Other than some spellin misshaps it was perfect! U hafta do a sequel but a chapter story after they wake up! Love it hope u do a sequel!
mimi
inali (Chapter 1) - Sun 08 Mar 2009
| is English your first language? some of your word choices are kind of awkward, almost like someone translating the piece from another language to English. If you aren't a native speaker, I'd recommend finding a native speaker to beta, and help keep your original connotations intact.
it's a really cute story, overall, just needs a little extra beta TLC.
pauly (Chapter 1) - Sun 08 Mar 2009
Continuación, continuación !!!!! Increíble trabajo :)
Woah that was wonderful. I mean just wawow~~ The intensity between them was really capture. You did have a few errors but nothing to take away from the overall affect. I really enjoyed reading this story.
First things first, I liked your story. It has a lot of potential if you ever decide to add to it. I hope that you do. It was interesting and exciting, and I would like to see more. BUT, you seem to have some grammar issues. Your sentence structure needs some work. And there are way too many instances where you used words that may seem similar to what you intended, but were not the correct choice.
Example: "He then inspired deeply, his nose immediately detecting the change: a slight musk scent complementing perfectly her already beautiful scent."
You used the word 'inspired' when it is obvious that you meant 'inhaled'. It happens rather often in this story. These are things that should have been caught by a beta.
I don't want you to take this review as me being mean or flaming you, because frankly, I do not do that type of thing. If the story is crap, I don't review. I took the time to review because your story is solid and you have potential. I am offering some consturctive critcism.
| a sequel would be an AWESOME idea. This was a great story.
| I think a sequel is a brilliant idea!! I absoulutley loved it and wanna know what happens after they wake up! It was really funny too how at the end Kagome said " It’s just…I don’t think that it was what my mother had in mind when she said to me to thank you for your hospitality", thats most definietly not what her mother had in mind..hehe oh well.. Please write a sequel! This story was super HOT!!
| Oh my frigging fucking God, that was breath-takingly perfect, PLEASE continue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
| | | | | | | | | 